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Thread: Laugh Of The Day

  1. #41
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    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
    she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
    stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


    After a moment or two, the vet
    shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
    has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed,
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
    the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she
    protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
    something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned
    around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
    with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
    in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
    top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
    shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the
    head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
    returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
    delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
    back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
    strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the
    woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
    definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
    produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
    cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
    the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
    Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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  2. #42
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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


    There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

    She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

    ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

    ....I love these touching stories !!!
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  3. #43
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    A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
    Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
    The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..


    Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
    A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
    He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

    The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

    Picture this:

    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
    The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
    People scattered.
    They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
    True story...
    Have a great day and remember...

    ...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
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  4. #44
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    "Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket from my truck keys.....got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down - other jeans pockets, shirt pocket - not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting - nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys - nope. Then it hit me - I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn..


    My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.

    I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

    "Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.

    "Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

    Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen

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  5. #45
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    .....spam.jpg.....

  6. #46
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    Hey, Samsung, take a look at the Iphone's new male Siri, Sir:

  7. #47
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    .....Clipboard01.jpg.....
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    Last edited by sculptedstylus; 10-19-2015 at 08:34 AM.


 
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several days ago as i left the sales barn in navasota

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